ACCHH...i am an idiot! at least, i have been ACTING like an idiot. i once described the sensation of joy as magnets in my belly, hummingbirds in my head, and bees in my mouth. this fizzyfuzzy buzz induced tizzy always puts greyhounds in my blood too, and OH do i enjoy listening to my pulse at that point. eventually, all the buzzing melds into one low hum all over me. i have ignored that feeling lately. boo.
i have been moping and sulking and spreading out my unhappiest things on the floor so i can see them all at once. the only thing this accomplishes is that it makes the floor dusty. (whine!) i miss my dad! (wheedle!) i broke up with my boyfriend and will spend my life alone! (whimper!) job complaintsjobcomplaintsjobcomplaints!!! (mewl!) i wish i were prettierfunniertallermoregracefulany-any-ANY-one but me.
sigh.
i am an idiot. yes, i miss my dad, but i also have good REASON to miss him. someone very kind recently made me realize that perhaps it is better to have lost a dad who is miss-worthy, than to have access to one who isn't. it DOES make my memories of him sweeter. thank you.
i am in idiot. yes, my relationship has ended. i may very well spend the rest of my life with just me, but (despite the obvious idiocy) i am not such bad company. i mean, we have a ton in common. we like all the same books, movies, and music. we never argue over who pays the check. i never interrupt me. i never have to tell me when i'm upset...i just know. i never steal the covers from me. i always give my jokes a courtesy laugh...even when i don't mean it. loneliness, though it is intimidating is not a country i am unable to explore.
i am an idiot. yes, summer is almost over, and my job is not without its...peccadilloes. there will always be disrespect from people who are CONVINCED that they can do it better, but will never actually DO it. as an added bonus, i have met some of the best poets, artists, actors, huggers, and listeners...and these are just the students. if i need reminding of why i love my job, i need only remember the relief on their faces when they told me that one of the poems that we...VIVISECTED in class actually ended up on their terror-striking, creativity-sapping, no child friggin' left behind-fueled, state mandated, high stakes test. sometimes "want to learn" and "need to learn" have the teensiest, most delicious overlap.
i am an idiot. i took another walk to shut up the pack of hounds baying loudly in my brain, and laughed at myself. i am paranoid that people will think i am walking for exercise, and assume that i am walking because i'm not strong enough to RUN...at least that's what I think when i see OTHER PEOPLE walking for exercise. i know, i know. i'm a bad person. to guarantee that nobody makes this mistake, i always walk with a backpack, and always have an errand to run--post office, video store, etc. now, it isn't exercise if there is a DESTINATION. see? pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aranoid!!! after the sunset, i stumbled into a mass of sticky filaments, probably evicting about a hundred spiders in the process. rather than doing the "1000 volts of electricity" dance to brush all the webs off, i walked calmly, allowing each strand to tickle my nerves and map out the parameters of my arms, legs, face, neck...i cannot explain the sensation of that tickle being the roadmap around me. i guess my body is not such a bad place to be, either.
and all i needed was a walk and some music. the lyrics for each song line up the tumblers in the lock and swing the door open. wordswordswords constantly drifting around my head, waiting to be plucked from the air and popped into my mouth. the contents drip from my tongue because i cannot devour the words fast enough to satisfy my starving brain. the best part? all the words swirling around the ether are in infinite supply. not only will they never run out, but more words will constantly be created. the only thing i'll need to send my heart spinning like imponderable birds from the trees is the words words words, either FOR me or FROM me.
why don't YOU choose YOUR OWN word of the day. mine is SONANT
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